we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
