When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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