I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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