hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
