This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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