Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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