I wish my penis had an off switch
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
