I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
