i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
