"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
