big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!