I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present