I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?