I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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