The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
