I wanna bring you to show and tell
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
