There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
