you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
