Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
