First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
