Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
