Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
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I wish you could order shots online.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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