I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
