new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
