matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
