My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
