It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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