After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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