Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
