I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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