Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
