I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
