Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
