I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
