I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
