I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
