My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
