My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
