Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
