The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
