she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
