Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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