You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
