We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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