I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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