Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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