I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
