I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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