I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
