I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
