It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
