I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
