cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
