Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
