Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
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I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
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