why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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