I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
